John McLoone

Coffee and me, we have a big problem.

We have a long-term relationship, but it’s been doing me wrong lately.

Since I stumbled upon these glorious beans some 40 years ago, it’s gotten me through a lot of sleepless nights. I was a young newspaper intern when I was forced to balance the nightlife of a kid home for the summer in a state with an 18-year-old drinking age with a work start time of 6 a.m.

I went into the break room at work one way-too-early morning after a way-too-late night, searching for something that would spark my creativity. I stumbled upon that jar of instant Folger’s crystals, right next to that piping hot percolator of water. I threw a tablespoon of coffee in one of those tiny Styrofoam cups, hit it with as much sugar and powdered creamer, and the next thing I knew, I’d be making way too many decisions based on coffee. I didn’t like it at all, but I was 19, and it was free.

Throughout that summer, I loaded up on four or five little Styrofoam cups a day, cutting back the sugar and creamer. By the time I went back to college, I was “Black Coffee Guy.”

Coffee has only gotten better and better over the years. If you could handle Folger’s instant, every step since then has been in the right direction.

I’ve consumed probably way too much coffee. I’m pretty average at most things, but in drinking coffee I’m a pro. I did a little math, and by my rudimentary calculations (I’m average at best at most things, math isn’t one of them), I think I’ve drank around 4,500 gallons of coffee in my lifetime. If you want to see my work, shoot me an email.

Sure, it’s kept me going, but it’s done damage to me as well. I don’t really have any clothes that don’t have coffee stains. I don’t have any vehicles that don’t have any aftereffects of my coffee addiction. My need for coffee has hurt other people, not in the sense that they were injured, but it’s impacted their lives. I was on a trip somewhere with my father decades ago, and his car was low on gas. We pulled into a gas station, and I suggested one a mile up the road that has better coffee. Halfway, we ran out of gas. He wasn’t as appreciative of having a father-son walk on a sunny Saturday afternoon as I was.

One other time I had to be in at work in the middle of the night. Deadline calls, and so does coffee. I drove a little pickup truck at the time with a manual transmission and no cupholders. I grabbed a couple large coffees at an all-night convenience store and, according to the police officer who pulled me over a block down the road, it looked like I was having trouble. It wasn’t the trouble that a lot of people who get pulled over at 3 a.m. get in, though. I explained it was hard to shift and hold two large coffees without spilling. Again, another person didn’t think a situation was as funny as me.

Sunday morning at about 5:30 a.m., I left the house for an early work engagement. I had one full cup of coffee that I set on my dash while I got situated and put a travel mug on the passenger seat. The cup on my dash almost instantly dumped its contents down the defroster vents. I grabbed for the big mug and inadvertently knocked it over.

I then was faced with a situation. I had no coffee. I needed coffee. I got coffee. Problem solved.